Saturday, March 17, 2012

a need to vent

My heart is a little achy right now. I have to be honest because ugh I'm just so imperfect and I should be a better wife and I should be a nicer person. Lately I have let even little things get to me and I just need to take a chill pill.

Tonight a near-contentious moment spurred up between us in front of my parents (whoops). I got excited and told my parents they should plan on attending our graduation in a month. I get a look from Mark like "well...we're not sure about that" and I immediately got defensive and sternly said, "NO, I AM WALKING next month. I AM!" I felt so dumb afterward. The reason for his look was because of our insurance again. I guess no matter what, with Noah's pre-existing condition, we'll be paying at least $2,000/month for insurance--even the "government" insurance program (called CHIP) who take those who are un-insurable (is that a word?). We'd have a high deductible AND high premiums.

BUT with BYU's insurance, although it's not the greatest, would be around $1,200/month. I would have to delay my graduation yet again so that we could all be covered for $800 less, give or take a few hundred.

I want to walk across that stage and shake an important school leader's hand.
I want to take those cheesy graduation pictures with my cap and gown. Next month.
I want Mark to get a job that has health benefits. Now. 

If we can get them to delay my graduation again, then it will be worth it of course since Noah's surgery will be sometime in July or August. Now that I'm thinking about it, even if I did delay graduation through August doesn't guarantee his surgery will be covered. His surgeons could easily delay his surgery until September. But I want everything to happen for me now. Am I a 2 year old?? Perhaps. I just wish we didn't have to dance with insurance companies and delay the thing that I worked my tail off for.

Ahh, what a conflicted, selfish soul I am.


  1. I'm so sorry ! I wish there was a way you could walk and get the insurance break. You deserve it!!! Ah I can join you (or you me, since I've been here a while) on the throes of selfishness. It's a party. :)

  2. i don't think you're selfish! you've been planning on graduating for years and it's so so hard when something throws a wrench in what's supposed to happen. you didn't know noah would need surgeries! it will all work out-motherhood seems to be all about sacrifices and trusting god. but i don't think you're selfish at all.

  3. Amy, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this! Insurance is such a difficult thing to deal with...we went through a lot because of my dad - he had to be on a similar insurance plan as your cute boy. I'm so excited for when insurance companies can no longer deny or charge more based upon pre-existing conditions - because it seems like everyone has pre-existing conditions! You guys are amazing for taking care of your adorable boy so well.

    I totally understand what you feel about getting your degree. When you work so hard for so long for something important, you totally want to have that official recognition! I want to let you know, though, that life on the other side of the degree can be kind of hard too, because you miss the experiences that are available to you as a student and you feel sometimes like now that you have the degree, now what. (Although I know you have that covered a bit!) At Cambridge, all PhD students have to first do a year Master's programme before their doctorate, but most of them don't actually walk and receive their Master's degree for a year or two after receiving it, and many don't walk and receive it until they receive their PhD, so they get their master's three years after earning it. I guess what I'm trying to say is - the decision you make will be right for you, but know that you still earned that degree even if you don't have that official diploma yet. You're amazing!