Friday, April 6, 2012

What your mom won't tell you about having a baby

(I have many many dear family members and friends who are wanting to get pregnant and have babies really badly. I don't write this to complain, I am merely stating what I personally went through and I wanted to write about it for laughter's sake. Many people close to me know how I have no patience for whiners when it comes to pregnancy--it's a gift that we should always be grateful for, no matter how miserable we are. This is just about those post-partum marvels that no one bothered telling me about!)

Explicit content. Proceed with CAUTION.
1. You will come close to losing your mind. You may even hallucinate (I have a good story about that...for a later day). All due to lack of sleep.
2. You have to sit on this thing the nurses call a "doughnut" (a blown-up circular flotation-looking device) for at least a week (in my case: 2 weeks) after giving birth due to sensitivity in those private parts down there.
3. You get really excited when you put on jeans and a t-shirt--switching it up from your usual robe and underwear wardrobe (what's the point of getting dressed when you're constantly feeding your babe?)
4. Your nipples will be unrecognizable (LARGE). I'll spare you those dirty details.
5. You can enjoy large breasts--until your sweet little one literally sucks the life out of them. Then you're looking at deflated balloons for a couple of hours.
6. Sex? What's that again?
7. ...2 months later....Ohhh, NOW I remember. OUCH!!! Cue: Astroglide lubrication (lots of)
8. Your hair comes out in hand fulls around 3 months after. Just get used to wearing your hair up so you don't get hair in your food or wrapped between your little one's fingers and toes.
9. If breastfeeding, you feel like you are eating just as often as your babe. You can't get enough food! This is not a negative thing for food lovers like myself :)
10. If you're unlucky, you are constipated for 5 weeks (yep, that was me!). Miralax, ducalax, and stool softeners may be part of your daily routine. But be careful, you may have an accident in your pants. Just make sure you're close to a bathroom.
11. You may start noticing deteriorating eye-sight. My left eye prescription went from a +3 to a +3.5 :)
12. You might want to wear pads even after the bleeding stops, especially if you know you'll be running or jumping.
13. Don't do sit-ups for a few months...the pieces down there may not be ready for such activity. This includes running, unless you want to feel like you got straight kicked there.

Ohh the JOYS!!!

I'm happy to report that although these things have all been MY struggles, most of you won't have to worry about it. I hear my recovery was much worse than the average Jane. I just didn't expect any of these things to happen and I wish someone would have at least warned me. You're welcome. :)

On a more serious note...You love this little person more than your own life, and you do anything for him/her. You wonder what life was like before it all happened, and you wouldn't trade it for anything. I would totally go through it all again! And hopefully someday I will.

You just have to laugh.

And PRAY that your next baby isn't bigger than 9 pounds 5 ounces.


  1. Amy! I laughed out loud at "unless you wanna feel like you got straight kicked down there". My sis in law had to sit on a doughnut for 6 weeks!!! Her baby was around Noah's size and she said she was just "not right" down there for MONTHS. Thanks for all the warnings ;)

  2. This cracks me up! I didn't have all of these same troubles, but had some of them and some different ones as well. All the baby forums are about pregnancy and delivery. . . you really don't read about much of this stuff.

  3. Thank you!! These are all things that are so good to know!

  4. yikes! I am in for quite the trip it sounds like...

  5. You are so tough Amy! Awesome job...having an adorable baby, writing a blog, being a wife, shamelessly plugging your brand of lubricant, etc.

  6. Holy cow, Amy! Your after birth trials, were way worse than the average Jane. At least this average Jane.
    You can probably thank your adorable 9+ pounder. He's so cute he's worth it, though!