Friday, October 5, 2012

Here we are at 2:39 am. Let me tell you what I just did to earn the mother of the year award. After an hour of Noah moaning and frustratingly trying to pull a kamikaze(s) off of our bed (by forcing his way over the two pillow-high barricade), I did exactly what seemed the best at the time...I grabbed him, got on my knees and bounced him up and down. (I probably should've gotten on my knees to pray!)  Surely the added chaos would distract him from the nonstop restlessness he was experiencing. Then, I jumped down from the bed and whispered loudly "just wake up!!" while bouncing him on my hip, forcing him to sit up and finally end the torment because he never moans and uncomfortably forces his way off high furniture when he is awake. It worked! he happily played in my drawers for a few minutes. Well, he pooped and maybe that's what was troubling him. Now to try to get him asleep again.

This is probably what I'll do from now on when he's in a state of restlessness --then I won't waste 15+ stressful minutes trying to calm him down crying and arching his back to get out of my grasp. He's a monster when he's half awake/asleep. He gets it from me for sure! Jokes aside--I think he's in pain. Otherwise he wouldn't moan like that and get frustrated, right? Guessing game! I took him to the doctor today and he doesn't have an ear infection or any sickness, so it has to be gas or something intestinal.

Now after "nursing" him, he's fast asleep. Calm and cool. Now it's my turn because unfortunately, these things will likely repeat themselves within a few hours from now. This is my life and
it's hard and sometimes I fall apart but then verses in the scriptures come up that put everything into perspective. Tonight Mark and I read in D&C 122:7-8. Joseph Smith is in Liberty jail SUFFERING--even fighting to stay alive, when The Lord says to him: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or in the hands of murderers...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against
thee....know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

All of this is to give me experience in this mortal life. You know what my problem is? I'm not relying on my Heavenly Father nearly enough. I pray, but do I REALLY and intently and sincerely ask for guidance and direction? I mean, at times I know I do. And I honestly haven't ever gotten strong directions or feelings as to what I should do to help Noah. Maybe I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and all that I know I should do and He thinks it's enough? Or I'm not trying hard enough to have the Spirit with me to get the guidance that I need?

All I know is that I love this boy more than my own life and I worry myself sick about him every day. Seeing him anxious and uncomfortable and unhappy kills me. I hope that whatever it is will eventually heal and he can be his happy, hilarious self more often. I don't mean to sound like he is always miserable-- it's periodically. Bad days and good days, but always bad nights. Time for me to get some shut eye.

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