Sunday, December 23, 2012

I'm back

It's been awhile, blog world. I just spent the last hour+ trying to somewhat catch up on some blog reading (it's been months!). My apologies if you haven't felt my blog "love" lately. 

I hope to publish at least a couple new posts this week. I have fallen so far behind! Partly due to the lack of a reliable computer around here, and also due to me not wanting to blog about a lot of things. Lame excuses, really. 

I'm really excited to be here, in my cozy condo/apartment/place, with Mark by my side, sipping Teavana tea while our ONE YEAR OLD is napping, in his room, peacefully. That has to be a run-on sentence. Anyway, I can't even express how happy I am to be where we are at this time of year without a sick baby. It's a blessing. With all the trials we have gone through these past few months (or year, depending how you look at it), we really could be looking at it like "wow, our lives are sucky and hard" OR we could have the more righteous/positive/Christ-like approach and say "we are so fortunate that....*insert loooong list of blessings here." Have I taken both approaches this year? Absolutely.  

We were still in Utah Valley's NICU on this day last year, still un-knowing what my 3-day old Noah's issue was, and trying to stay afloat emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, the day that the doctors told us he probably had Hirschsprung's disease and we needed to be transported up to Primary Children's for surgery on Christmas morning. It didn't feel like Christmas at all. Because of all that, we are extremely grateful to be where we are right now, able to enjoy our baby boy and open presents and sing carols and remember why we have Christmas. This time of year just brings back all of those crazy emotions and it's a great reminder that I need to hug my boys tighter, love a little more, and be less critical of things that don't matter. 

I am really glad that I can say this honestly to the Blogging world: I have learned a lot this year. When I am miserable, I have to be honest with myself and ask, "why are you being such a miserable human being to your husband and family?" It never takes long to come to those sources or reasons for misery. I'm going to be extremely frank here. There been days where I felt like I was falling further and further away from my husband, Christ, and the knowledge of God's love for me and my family. I have had a lot of those "dark" days, but I wouldn't say that it has consumed me by any means-- Any time I spend time with my Young Women at church or go to the temple or read an inspiring scripture passage or serve loves ones or strangers, I am renewed and "light" again. That's why we are here in mortality--to feel those earthly pains and heartaches, but it's what we DO with those aches and pains that is important. I have learned the hard way that I need to rely on Christ's Atonement and humble myself in repentance and let Him take over with faith knowing that my cares and burdens ARE important to Him. Basically, I feel like I know what it's like to be down, suffering, and without hope. It sounds so dramatic, but I think I can now empathize with mothers, wives, and women in general for different frustrations that come in mortality so much better than I could a year ago. (I also know that you don't have to endure what I have to feel empathy for others.) 

I'm excited to start a new year. I am going to get physically strong again. I am going to eat to live instead of live to eat. I am going to make my husband my number one priority. I am going to watch less TV and play more games with Noah. I am going to be a more positive person and remember that we are all God's children. I am going to study the scriptures daily. I am going to be more grateful for the little things each day. I am going to blog more. 

 
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