Tuesday, February 11, 2014

a tough birthday

This is a super personal post but I want to write about it so that people know that I've been through this and can talk to me anytime about it. It happens to most child-bearing women at some point in their lives; so please, don't feel badly for me!

Today I was supposed to have my 11 week ultrasound for a baby that was going to be coming to our family in September. I thought about that a lot today and about how our plans can sometimes be completely different than what Heavenly Father plans for us.

We found out we were expecting on December 29th. I knew I was pregnant, but put off taking the test for a few days. And when it was positive, I was just ecstatic. We want another baby, but even more so we want a sibling for Noah! This would make me due in early September and the timing was just perfect, since a Clark family vacation to Mexico is in late November and a Robinson/Freeman family Disney cruise is next June 2015. It was all going to work out! We had just moved into our new beautiful home, Noah has been so wonderfully healthy this year, and things were just completely going our way. We sent this text message to all of our family members on New Year's Eve:



So, when I was about 7.5 weeks along, all my pregnancy symptoms vanished. I was never even sick...not even nauseated, and I kept saying, "this baby is already so much easier than Noah ever was!" I was getting up at 6 every morning to work out, I had a normal appetite, and things were just a little bit too easy for comfort (ironically). So, I called my doctor when I was just over 8.5 weeks as soon as they opened and described my worries. It was January 23rd. They got me in for an ultrasound just two hours later, but I already knew. I told Mark before I left, "They're going to tell me that I'm having a miscarriage. I really hope this gets taken care of without having to do a D and C procedure." Mark's face was so worried. And I was sad and worried too, but off I went.

Sure enough, there was a big black hole, but no little inch-long peanut in there. The ultrasound tech did an inter-vaginal ultrasound and again...nothing.  There it was...proof that there was no baby and that it was already making its way down in the form of a clot. Soon after that, the cramps and bleeding started. The doctor gave me instructions to call the office as soon as "it" happened, or to schedule the D and C if that's what I wanted to do. I opted out of that.

The drive home was tough! It's crazy how I just knew that was going to happen, but needed the proof. Lots of tears for the next few days. Mark took the Friday off and took care of Noah, which was much needed because I would be miscarrying for most of the day. It all happened fairly quickly over the weekend, but it was definitely a birthday that I'd never forget...it was also my "golden" birthday. 25 on the 25th. On one hand, I want to give my birthday the finger and say "suck it" and never celebrate another birthday (since last year's birthday was spent getting blood work done...and anyone who knows me knows that's a nightmare for me). On the other hand, I am grateful that it did happen on my birthday because I was getting so much love via texts and Facebook and that was encouraging and uplifting for me. I think there's a reason for everything and I'm just so incredibly grateful that it happened at 8.5 weeks and not later!

For those of you who have experienced a miscarriage or a still birth--God bless you. It is hard. Very hard. I don't care if it's your 8th kid or your first. It's messy, emotional, and physically painful. I know Heavenly Father carried me through these past few weeks and I have come to terms that these things really aren't up to me. He has a hand in everything. This was for the better, since medically there was probably something very wrong with him/her and so miscarrying is our body's natural way to take care of that.

So, here's to a fertile year with hopefully a positive, healthy pregnancy in our future!

5 comments:

  1. Ugh! I'm SO sorry Amy! I think it is great that you shared. Here is to a fertile 2014 And a healthy little baby! !

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  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. That feeling of knowing what they are telling you is so hard...I think you are wonderful. Sending fertile thoughts your way ;)

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  3. Amy, I'm so sorry. That's really really hard. You will be a stronger and more understanding person for having gone through it, but it still completely sucks. But on the upside, everyone says you're most fertile right after a miscarriage. That's how we got little Jude

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  4. Sorry Amy! You have such an amazing attitude and are a great example!

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  5. love you amy! so sorry for your loss and pray you will get that second little baby soon.

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